I never imagined myself to have only one baby. I always wanted to copy the scenario my mom and dad raised us in... 3 kids (one boy and two girls). Of course as we get older, we realize that this isn't our life to plan; only God paves the road and has full control. With my health issues and the experience of loss AND my age, I think Jared and I have agreed that the third time WAS a charm, as far as pregnancies go, (Thank God for Miss Braylin) and that we shouldn't push our luck with conceiving another baby. And although it seems like the best thing to do, I can't help but to long and yearn for another baby. And I YEARN often. I yearn to be pregnant and feel that first kick. I yearn for Braylin to have a sibling. Some of the best memories ever are with my brother and sister and they continue to be. Braylin won't have that, and I feel like she's missing out on one of the greatest gifts of life. Sometimes I can get really sad about it and sometimes it even stings a little to not have the liberty of just having another baby like everyone else. I guess I feel sorry for myself and I especially feel for Braylin and the void of a sibling. I guess it means that I'm human and it's ok to be sad and hurt, and I pray about it... and sometimes I'm afraid to pray about it, in fear of God's answers.
BUT with all that said...
The other morning, just like every morning, I was watching bray play on the bed with Fibi; doing the cute things they do! For a split second I had an out of body experience and saw her as the world might see her, instead of as her momma (I know I sound like a weirdo!). My heart raced with joy and my eyes began to water. It was a God moment; the surreal feeling and realizing all over again, in the same kind of passionate emotion (2 1/2 yrs later) that, "oh my goodness jared and I are her parents! She's ours! We did that!" I may not have been able to put my prayers into words, but God knew how my heart was hurting and what it was saying. And I believe that he wanted to remind me of just how blessed we already are... and he did just THAT--in that moment-- while watching Braylin play!
In all of the hustle and bustle and chasing and crying and playing and whining, and non stop entertaining, and non-potty training, and strong willed fits, and two year old lessons, a momma can get tired! After teaching for 8 years, I can honestly say that staying at home with my baby has been much more challenging, but all in the same THE MOST REWARDING opportunity ever in my life. I haven't had to miss one moment... Not the 1st crawl, not her first word, not even the 1st time to hear her sing along to a song on the radio. I'm present each waking moment, guiding her little feet, and leading her little hand to only safe grounds. a God given gift. to me!
Other REWARDING gifts will fill those "voids" I was worry about. Braylin will be surrounded by loving cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends. God has got this! I can step back, quit worrying, and allow God to show me the pathway instead of me trying to figure out why I can't take the reigns. I'm completely blessed to know that he has it all under control.
Nothing taken for granted.
Thankful for our GIFTS.
#itwillallbeokbecauseGodisincontrol
No comments:
Post a Comment